I like my fantasy with a dollop of Sci-Fi. I’m an avid proponent of steampunk. I hate to bang on WoW so much (it starts getting a little One Note Flute after a while), but the steampunk presence in WoW has to be one of the reasons that the world has such a hold on me. There are other MMOs out there, and lord knows I’ve tried a couple (Eve and iRO most completely) but none of them really has kept me coming back as much as the bastard son of Sci-Fi and Fantasy that is Warcraft. There’s just something about steampunk, above and beyond the visual aesthetic, that just speaks to me on a deeper level than most fantastical constructs.

I think it is that steampunk is a hopeful sort of fantasy. Inherent in the setting is the idea that not only can all problems be solved (as in most fantasy) but that science can do the solving. This is in sharp contrast to the Tolkien/D&D-esque setting where you have to wait for the Elves or some other outside entity to show up with the Magical Coatrack that will vanquish evil for you. No, in steampunk settings you generally have to go slap together the MacGuffin out of copper pipes and gears then go out and blow evil to kingdom come.

There also doesn’t seem to be the Jock/Nerd antagonism in most Steampunk that I see in post D&D fantasy. The mad genius is most likely a founding party member, and at the same time the bruiser isn’t inherently useless. You see the obsolete fighter too often, especially in tabletop D&D, without a Magical Artifact of DM Pity, there really isn’t a way to make a guy with a pointy stick play the same game as the dude who can stop time. Though D&D is not without steampunk. I have fond memories of my 2nd edition Mechanician from Al’Qadim and his Mechanical Dog. The Mech was a wizard class that used magic to create a series of mechanical helper constructs that were explicitly non-magical in nature. I’d love an update to the Mechanician for 3.5, but their role is mostly filled by the Artificer in Eberron so that may be a long time coming.

Sidebar: The Complete Sha’ir’s Handbook is probably one of the coolest variant wizard books in D&D. It had the Mech-wizard, the guy who cast enchantments from candles, the guy who wove spells into carpets, the guy who did magic with advanced calculus, and the wizard with the genie familiar. That whole book needs an update independent of the Arabian Nights setting.

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Its good to see that Martin is interested in Travian. All told it was a cool game, but sadly it seems I’ll probably have to bow out. I had a good weekend. Meaning I wasn’t attacked once. But this morning Nataly, a nearby player and stand up jacktard started coming on strong again and torched my Granary, Main Building and City Walls. Background, she does this daily. As long as the raid against me brings back no resources, I lose my Main Building, Barracks, City Walls, and Merchant. I’m not sure why the Granary felt her wrath today, it might have been a typo sort of thing, or she could have her catapults set to random to try and ferret out my man crannies. This will be even funnier later. I’ll get to that. However as I type this I’ve got another attack incoming. There really isn’t anything to do about it, her alliance is dedicated to (and I quote) “bring Chaos and Death to this server and WåR is what we will wage” so there isn’t much to be said to them.

I like Dragonforce as much as the next guy, but that’s a bit obscene.

So I figure I court the Good Ending. There was a post on the Escapist recently where a guy “went out in style” from World of Warcraft by logging on each of his characters, getting them to a heroic death, then deleting them. I figure the Travian equivalent is doable. There’s no point in fighting militarily (She has four villages with a combined pop over over 1400), therefore I should invite complete annihilation rather than slow death of a thousand cuts. I sent her a message recently, I’ll reproduce it here (The subject was “Love is All You Need”)

Dearest Nataly,

I was beginning to think you had forgotten about me. I lay awake at night over the weekend, tossing and turning. My mind aflame with questions. Had you found another? Was the passion between us cold? And then this morning like a beacon from above came your answer: your love for me burned as brightly as my now destroyed Main Building! I was elated!

Which is why this hurts so much. I am sad to say that our love can never be. We are too different, you and I. Perhaps if you could wax your upper lip, and I could break my arranged marriage to the heiress of the local cog and dial conglomerate, but no, that way lies madness. Besides, if I was to take you away from your love of peanut butter and your neighbor’s dog, it would surely kill you as quickly as my jilted bride’s family.

I ask only that you think of me as you lie sweating beneath that panting schnauzer or while you relentlessly satisfy each member of your thousand-man army (and their horses) like Catherine the Great on mescaline in Secretariat’s stable. And know, that secretly in my heart, my passion for you will always smolder as hotly as the ruin of my Granary and City Walls.

With Love always,
Ninjasuperspy

XXXOOOXXX

That was diplomatic enough I think. I only accused her of bestiality three times. And I couldn’t remember if you capitalized mescaline. If she doesn’t cry havoc and unleash the dogs of war after that (or try to get me banned) then I’ll have to resort to my secret weapon: Limericks about her tits. Women love those.

Though I secretly think “she’s” covertly a guy engaging in that time honored tradition of pretending to be a girl on the internet in order to get fewer people to attack her until she’s in the catbird seat. Not that women can’t be duplicitous curs. Ever since Jenny McCarthy made farting in the MTV Beach House the Funniest Thing Ever back in ‘94 the state of women has been in sharp decline.

Hilariously, I managed to get an actual response to my uproariously conceived little diatribe. It went a little something like this:

Nataly gets all the love she needs, and even more, from me - her husband and from our child. So don’t worry about that. And its me who will destroy you. I thought you could serve as a farm once daily and let you develop further, as we treat all around us. But since you are totally useless, you will just be erased. You should know by now that crannies DO attract catapults. So, just stick to WoW and don’t even try to play games like that, it requires more than just button pressing.

PS: I even can’t be bothered to read your screed. Cry more

Which is great really. I mean that’s just comedy gold. I’ve got all the righteous indignation there I could ever want. And the “you will just be erased” bit is great. I mean I can’t figure out what is best about that response: the Internet Toughguy attitude or the inference that I was a resource node (and should be proud of my status as not “useless”). I also liked the part where he/she/they said that I would (generously) be allowed to “develop further.” This being the code for “I level your main building daily.” Though the bit about WoW being “just button pressing” is precious in and of itself. Yeah, I named my village Duskwood and I do play WoW. What’s Travian though? Not button pressing? I mean is the point that Travian is somehow inherently superior to World of Warcraft because the buttons are pressed slowly? Or is this guy playing Travian on some kind of computer covered in switches or knobs? I don’t think we will ever know. In closing, I shot this one his way:

My love, my light,
Why must imaginary Romans feel the brunt of your unquenchable passion? Its fires have melted the ice of my steely resolve, and like you I will let passion be my guide! The life with my gear heiress is now a fleeting dream, and I live only for you, my dear.

Together we can build a life of wild insouciant pleasure, each night more exquisite than the last! You can even bring the dog, I am sure there will be times when I am too sober to see to your insatiable needs.

Yours forever and always,
Ninjasuperspy
XXXOOOXXX

PS. Remember always, light of my thighs, Travian is Serious Business.

So yeah. Travian is over for me. I might have rerolled as a Gaul or something, their efficient defense is compelling. But really, what would stop a local Teuton from stomping me into the ground? Nothing, that’s what. I’m really interested in how this plays out for Martin, just to see if there is a way for this overall experience to be positive. Though it could be classified as a worthwhile simulation of history: the little guy existed only as the bitch for the big guy. Bar none. In the grim reality of the fictitious past, there is only war. That sort of thing.

Meanwhile, back to button pushing! Wheee!

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